Asking for what you want

Asking for what you want

“Asking for what you want is not a demand or an ultimatum. It’s a sincere request that your partner may honor or politely decline”. - Urban Tantra

As women, we learn from a young age to seek approval and self-worth from outside ourselves whether it’s from our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our friends or partners. It’s unsurprising that many women identify as givers and people pleasers and find it incredibly difficult to unabashedly ask for what we want.

Thankfully, there is a simple and effective framework provided by Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC). 

  1. Observe the present actions that are affecting our well-being
  2. Identify how we feel in relation to what we observe
  3. Recognize the needs, values, desires that create our feelings
  4. Define the concrete actions we want to request in order to enrich our lives

What makes NVC so impactful is that it involves communicating your needs without judgment, speaking for your wants and needs, and creating a back and forth communication that builds on compassion.


Instead of “All you do is scrolling your feed or gaming. Is that more important than our relationships?”

Try this, “This past week you’ve been playing video games or have been on your phone in the evenings until bedtime. I am feeling neglected and feel disconnected from you. Would you be willing to have a date night this weekend without any distractions?”

The more you practice, the more easy and natural it will become to incorporate this into your daily life.

Photo Credit: Alex Kalini